i want to die

i want to die
die die die
i want to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

My my...

After ruining my life by making a fool of myself in the morning, I ended up share the embarassment with a friend via messenger (in an internet cafe, yeah, smart, eh?) and i told him everything from way way years back. Gosh! Pleaase someone get my hands off this keyboaaaaaard.

Anyway, D put some different perspective into things and I thought I was feeling better, but turned out I was still miserable, and we chatted till 5 in the afternoon (I think I exhausted him pretty much with my whining...). And now I felt sorry that I had to tell anybody about things that happened way back in the past.

Life without friends is getting more and more difficult than before I got a maid (yes I had a helper in the house now.. so I gained some extra time to ramble in my blog and write crazy ideas in my diary).

Today I made a couple of colored pencil drawings, not good enough to be shown, but it's a start. Meanwhile the empty square canvas I bought in Balubur is still waiting to be painted. Dunno why, but I felt scared to even think of what to paint on that canvas, as if my whole artistry depends on that single sheet of canvas. It's been years since I drew/paint/or even wiggle a mouse on CorelDraw. I'm not sure if I still have it in me.

Especially after the self-esteem crumbled. Duh. Yay me.

Why?

Why do the trees need the rain ?
To grow.
Why do we need air?
To breathe.

Then why can't trees grow on blood.. why can't we breath tears.. if it's all that I have.
Why can't I keep my mind off things that I shouldn't have..