Applying

yesterday my friend was called for chevening interview. I felt the envy inside my chest, but at the same time happy that she made it so far.
i think i need to draw a bolder line between me and the rest of the guys at work, which are still single and young, and can do whatever they want with their life. now my life is not as easy as it was, and a study abroad seems drifting away further and further now.
so i guess i'm throwing away all the scholarship brochures that was stacking in the table beside my bed.

another news, i applied to some job vacations yesterday. not just some, but alot. in fact, my boss caught me updating my resume, which is kinda awkward, but well, what can i say.
just hope that i will get another job soon.. because the administration and petty works here is just killing me slowly.

One year.. last days..

Thinking clearly about how many days left of my time of service in this office, strangely, didn't give me any tip of sadness. All the things that happened have probably prepared me for this eventual moment. I am in no stage of regret. Though there are still confusion and a hint of hope if I can do some things to make it different. But I'm okay - I gladly can say.

Ramadhan this year also brought the unique atmosphere, the heavily religious nuance that fills my heart throughout the day. I like it, despite of me being not so religious (or am, as some people might think). The shout of night guards who call out for the midnight meal (sahur), or the full mosque with crowd who either pray or just spend their lunch hour with a nap. And the sea of street vendors, selling ta'jil (meal for breaking the fast) and the extra traffic jam... I still like it - hey, it's only once a month, and Jakarta is already full of traffic jam anyway.

As a kid, I used to light up fireworks at night of Ramadhan with my brother and sister, and we used to throw the firework sticks high to the trees, so the fireworks will be stuck on the branches, and it would look like the trees had firey flowers. I wonder if kids these days have any interests for such a simple amusement such as this?

Ramadhan 1427 H, has passed 1.5 weeks. I don't want it to quickly end.

Life's great

I don't know why, I should be upset this morning, but somehow I feel very cheerful and very happy, despite all the ache that I should feel from the treatment of my supervisor. Hey, finally, I don't take things seriously. Boy do that feel great! She can no longer hurt me.

maybe my being upset was all PMS (aduh!) and my boss took it personally..

I just read this novel in 2.5 hrs over the weekend : 4 seasons in Belgium. Eventhough the theme is ordinary, but the packaging is not bad. I kept on reading it (should have more surprises though).

I felt a little afraid now about going abroad, to study... feel that I can't blend in.

Happy Independence day Indonesia

I love you, but I hate you
I want you to be better, but I enjoy your being a slack
I respect you and I take you for granted

Sometimes I want the '45 pioneers to be back here in '06
Just to see what they've fought their lives for
Then maybe we, who have all the luxuries will get to thinking

God please lead Indonesia through this hard times
and all the times ahead...

61 years old Indonesia struggling and surviving

Take some advice : do your job, learn new things by the end of the day!

As we walked to the bus stop, I accidentally sort of told one of my colleagues how I felt about the work atmosphere here. I regretted it. I should've kept my big mouth shut. But she mentioned some advices,

"Just work, don't think about all other things. Just do your job well, and try to learn. I will be happy if by the end of each day we can learn something new. This is kawah Candradimuka.. by the time you finish here, you can work anywhere."

She is definitely wiser than me, though we only have 1 year difference. I wonder if I could keep my spirit that high. I wonder if I ever have any positive thinking anymore after all my bad experiences with office.

Now, I'm at the stage where I'm so tired I didn't even try to make an effort to fit anymore. I took it as it is. They don't like me fine, the important thing is I finish my work, I didn't get in trouble with anything. I wanted to accomplish more in carreer side, but somehow this new anti-social life is very disturbing for me. Maybe I'm not really anti-social inside or something.

But I am tired. I need some time to 'recharge'. And in the time being, I'm very afraid to risk anything with anyone at the office.

Drupadi 2006

Malam itu Drupadi mengatakan apa yang selama ini mengganggunya.

"Kakang Yudhistira yang aku sayangi melebihi keluarga dan kerajaan ayahku,
bagaimanakah aku hendak menyatakan kerisauan dalam hatiku
bagaikan lilin yang tak pernah padam,
terus membara walaupun lama terpendam.

hatiku tak berada di sini,
walaupun tubuhku akan selalu di sisimu, melayanimu, mengabdi padamu,
sebagai istrimu.

Jiwamu terpaut pada guliran dadu yang telah melemparkanku
menjadi obyek nista Dursasana.
Kakang Yudhistira, aku tak pernah menjadi cinta bagimu.
Permata, gemerlap dan limpahan harta,
mungkin semata itu aku untukmu.

Tapi seorang Drupadi membutuhkan lebih dari semua itu.
Aku butuh seseorang yang akan selalu mendengarkanku
walaupun untuk hal terkecil.
Ia akan mendengarkanku berkeluh kesah saat rambutku rontok
hingga saat aku tak lagi mampu berjalan.

Kakang Yudhistira yang masuk nirwana dengan jagad kasar,
aku tidak butuh kesempurnaanmu.
aku hanya ingin kemerdekaanku
untuk memelihara cinta yang tumbuh di dada
bagaikan kuku, walaupun dipotong terus tumbuh dan tumbuh lagi"

Drupadi menghela napas di antara panjangnya kalimat.
Di sunyi sudut, Yudhistira mematung tanpa suara.

Rindu #3/8/6

Rindu dan misteri menyelimuti
kenangan akanmu
membuatku ragu bahkan untuk menyimpan asa

lalu kata-kata haru itupun kulepas
bagai lentera-lentera kecil yang mengapung di atas sungai
yang berlabuh di adamu

Sinar matamu yang selalu membuatku lupa
akan ketidakadaan kita
sepanjang kutahu, hanya aku dan kau

kekenyangan

hari ini ga bisa kerja.
otak buntu.
abis makan rotinya ayu terus kekenyangan mata berat.
meeting sama bos terus makan siang, kekenyangan lagi, perut begah.
mata semakin berat.
berasa berat memanggul perut yg buncit seperti hamil ajah.
aduh.